


I fall into your arms, I'll be safe in your sound till I come back around

by AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bloodlust prompt, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2020-06-23 15:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19703866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard/pseuds/AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard
Summary: Prompt from Legend Blackbird:'Ava (and/or basically everyone else who joined Legends post Season 1) witness Sara's bloodlust for the first time. Maybe in addition her real assassins skill, for example, where she without any mercy/hesitation/easily kills people who have hurt Ava and/or one or more of Legends.'





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So here's your girl back with another angsty Avalance fiction 'cuz I just can't help myself ;)  
> Hope you like it Legend Blackbird! (and everyone else of course <3 )
> 
> A huge thank you to  WardenRoot for cleaning up this mess <3
> 
> Title is from the song 'Someone You Loved' by Lewis Capaldi

It wasn’t supposed to happen. She had it under control - or liked to believe she did anyway - but all she can see through the sudden haze of red that has begun clouding her vision is the clumped form of her girlfriend, lying unresponsive on the floor, and the man who had dared to cause her harm. Sara is vaguely aware of the rest of the Legends making it into the room at some point, vaguely aware someone is calling out to her. She doesn’t move. She can’t move. She’s still rooted to the very same spot she’d been standing at when the man had managed to get a drop on Ava, had managed to catch her off-guard, had managed to sink his elbow into her ribs and carelessly thrown her against the opposite wall like a rag doll afterwards. She’d fallen unconscious upon impact and Sara had watched it all happen in slow motion, her own body betraying her and refusing to  _ move.  _

She can still feel the soreness in her throat, a reminder of how hard Ava’s name had left her lips just mere instants prior.  __

There’s careful steps to her right and a hesitant hand lands on her arm, only to be pulled back a second later, with a gasp. 

Sara doesn’t even notice she had let out a low growl at the action but doesn’t have time to even begin to process what exactly is happening - or check who touched her - because the moment her eyes catch the way the man’s lips turn upwards, catch the way his gaze flickers briefly to where she knows Ava is lying, catches the way he looks back at her with the cockiest smile plastered on his face, something inside her just snaps. 

The next moments are a blur of screams, strangled sounds, stolen breaths, sharp steel against tender flesh, the unmistaken taste and smell of iron… and red, so so much red. She only becomes fully aware and snaps out of her reverie the moment strong arms pull her away from the man.

Reality sinks in like a heavy stone. 

The sound of the hidden blade, the one she’d been clutching tightly in her right hand, hitting the concrete floor echoes in waves against the walls of the filthy basement, and rings through her ears long after its gone. Her gaze, no longer clouded by what she now recognizes as the bloodlust, falls on the red stained figure lying on the floor by her feet and then to her own hands, stained with the same crimson. Sara slowly turns them around so her palms face upwards and watches, with wide eyes, as the warm liquid slides down her fingers until it falls, little droplets splashing onto the floor below while others stain her once white leather boots. It takes a minute for her to be able to avert her gaze, and it takes an even longer one for her to have the courage to glance over her shoulder.

Sara finds Mick looking at her with the same stern expression he always carries but there’s something else, something behind his eyes that hadn’t been there before. The hands holding her retract in that moment and she feels her entire body slumping down, feels her legs giving out from under her, the weight too much to bare. She falls down on her knees and Mick doesn’t move to try and catch her; she thinks she deserves it, even if she hears the indignant way Nate suddenly shouts and an argument breaks out. Sara knows she should say something, knows she should stand up and move, knows that she should check on Ava and make sure she’s alright and yet she can’t bring herself to do it, can’t bring herself to lift her gaze from the body in front of her again. 

The room grows quiet and Sara is not even sure how or when it does.

There’s the faint sound of chatter coming from the rest of the Legends, and then she hears steps coming closer and feels someone stopping next to her, slowly lowering themselves to her level. A beat passes, and when a hand settles gently on her shoulder, she flinches away from the touch like it’s physically burned her. Sara wants to open her mouth, wants to tell them to get away, but the only sound that escapes her lips is a strangled sob. 

“Sara,” the person says quietly, and Sara realises it’s Nora Darhk, “Look at me. Hey, can you do that, Sara? Can you look at me, please?” 

She sounds calm and collected, voice steady and reassuring, and Sara lets out a breath she wasn’t aware she’d been holding as gentle fingers touch her jaw and turn her face away from the carnage she’d caused. Her vision is slightly blurry when Nora’s face appears in her field of vision, and Sara can just barely make out the rest of the Legends over her shoulder, most of them looking her way.

It fills her with shame, and Sara averts her eyes almost immediately. 

“Sara,” Nora repeats, just as calm as before, “Ava is hurt, and we need to get her out of here so Gideon can fix her, okay? She’s going to be fine, but we need to go now.” She pauses and briefly glances towards Mick, who lets out a small grunt in acknowledgment and moves away from them, and then her eyes return to Sara. “It’s going to be alright, okay? Trust me. Now let’s just get you up…”

Nora moves her hands to gently grip Sara’s forearms, and she flashes Sara a small smile as she starts to pull her up, standing slowly. Sara tries to follow, movements mechanical, and though it takes some time for her to get her shaky legs to cooperate, Nora is patient, helping her all the way. Though Sara doesn’t mean for it to happen, she’s unable to stop herself from leaning against her friend for support as soon as she’s upright. She feels Nora wrapping an arm securely around her waist, and Sara’s own automatically comes to rest over the other woman’s shoulders. 

On any other day she would have insisted she could stand and walk on her own.

Evidently, today is not any other day.

Together, Nora guiding her along, they take small, careful steps towards the door. It’s only when they’re about to cross over the threshold that Sara’s gaze briefly flickers from the floor to the spot where Ava was lying earlier - it’s empty now - before she looks straight ahead to the hallway and sees Ray’s nervous form come into view. He fidgets under her gaze, eyes darting from her to Nora and back again, and Sara fights her instinctive response to lower her head. His mouth opens and closes a few times, no words coming out, and he doesn’t move from his spot until Nora whispers sharply for him to do so. 

“Right,” he stutters, shifting from foot to foot before hurrying forwards, “Sorry.” 

He comes closer and carefully wraps an arm around Sara’s waist, and all together, they finally leave the godforsaken basement.

******

Sara begins to drift in and out of consciousness during their slow walk back towards the ship. Her eyes grow heavier as she feels the weight settling on her shoulders, spreading slowly but surely through her entire body, and she fights against it as best as she can. It’s still not enough to stop the way her eyelids drift shut and the thing she then sees, in the darkest corners of her mind, causes her to jolt awake and lose grip on reality.

She blinks herself awake to what feels like a never ending corridor with sterile looking walls, and suddenly Sara is back there again, in that same asylum where she’d been stuck with Constantine. Her eyes go wide, heart beating erratically in her chest, and her first response is to struggle, to fight against the bindings, to break free and get away as fast as possible. 

There’s a yelp to her right, and the grip on her goes slack enough that she can pry herself free, at least partially. Sara doesn’t count on her knees giving out from under her and she nearly comes crashing down without the extra support.

Strong arms catch her and hold her down, and she still struggles and screams. But then there’s a familiar voice that pierces through the fog and her entire body freezes.

It’s Ray.

She doesn’t know exactly what he’s saying, but she can hear him clearly now that her ears have stopped ringing and her screams are no longer echoing against the walls. The cold material of Ray’s ATOM suit seeps through the white leathers of her outfit and helps her ground herself, and Sara wills her heartbeat and breathing to steady themselves. It takes time for her shoulders to drop and for her to relax, but he’s patient and keeps a close hold on her, less tight than the one she had been struggling against. 

There’s a shadow moving in the corner of her eye, and then Nora is coming into view, flashing Sara a smile. There’s hesitation radiating in waves from her, and it becomes more evident in the way Nora’s hand moves to reach out for Sara’s arm and hovers there without touching her before it retracts and drops limply to her side. It’s when she tilts her head slightly that Sara’s eyes zero on the fast forming bruise on her left cheek that she realizes why and her stomach sinks.

“Nora I’m… so sorry,” Sara manages to say in a voice that doesn’t sound like her own. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean to - I thought -”

“Shh, none of that now,” Nora interrupts her before she can finish what she wants to say. She doesn’t look upset, yet there’s a tightness in her smile and around her eyes that’s hard to miss. “I’m fine, Sara. We can talk about it later if you want, after you get some rest.”

There’s a part of her that wants to protest, that wants to apologize over and over until her voice grows hoarse and she can’t hear herself anymore. And not just to Nora Darhk. It’s really not about the bruise anymore, even if that’s part of the guilt that is churning her insides, clawing its way up her throat and wrapping its tendrils around it, threatening to steal her breath away at any second. 

Sara let them all down today.

Nora. 

Ray. 

Zari. 

Charlie. 

Nate. 

Mick.

Ava.

The image of her girlfriend’s body being tossed aside and hitting the wall briefly flashes in her mind and a wave of nausea hits her, and she barely has the time to twist away from Ray’s grasp and double over. Sara coughs and splutters as she tastes the bile in her mouth, and then there’s someone gently gathering her hair and holding it back, and Sara doesn’t know why she’s deserving such kindness and consideration after what she’d done. Tears gather in her eyes and she lets them cascate freely down her cheeks unashamedly, too exhausted to be able to hold them back any longer, and it’s like all the pent up adrenaline suddenly leaves her body and leaves her feeling completely boneless and dry. Dark spots form in her vision and it turns hazy, and she thinks someone may be trying to talk to her but all she can hear is white noise and the blood rushing through her ears. 

Sara is barely conscious when the hands in her hair retract and her body is shifted and lifted up into someone’s arms, Ray’s worried face being the last thing she sees before darkness finally takes her. 

******

When she comes to again, it’s not to the dirty walls or the stale smell of the underground compound, but to the familiar dimmed lights of the medbay. Her mind is still foggy and still clinging to the last residues of sleep, and she has to blink a couple of times until her eyes adjust to the light. The heart monitor behind her medchair beeps steadily and the sound is almost enough to lull her back to sleep, her eyelids growing heavier and heavier with each passing second. But then the haze fades enough for her to realize there’s actually  _ two  _ heart monitors beeping in the room and she snaps her eyes open and turns her face to the side, and that’s when she sees  _ her. _

That’s when she sees  _ Ava _ . 

It all comes crashing down in an instant and she suddenly can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t stay there, can’t be near her girlfriend. Sara moves to rip the bracelet off from around her wrist and her gaze lands on the red stained leather cuffs around her forearm and her entire body freezes. Her white canary outfit is stained red nearly from top to bottom, in twisted lines and curls and whirls of crimson, like if someone had grabbed a brush and drawn on it like one does a canvas.

Except she knows it’s not paint she’s covered in.

A whooshing sound snaps her attention away from her stained suit and her eyes land on Zari, standing by the open doors. It’s hard to watch the way her dark eyes dart nervously between the tablet she’s holding and Sara, the way her body language is stiff and full of caution. It adds to her guilt and she swallows hard, and averts her eyes towards the floor instead, keeping her gaze there even as the doors close and there’s movement in the room. 

It’s eerily quiet for long, painful minutes, and the sound of Ava’s heart monitor is the only thing Sara hears during that time. She knows Zari is still there and she thinks about asking how Ava is doing, but the words are stuck in her throat behind a tight knot. Sara does the next best thing then, she turns her face towards the screen were all the numbers are displayed behind Ava’s medchair, eyes carefully scanning the values one by one. 

It’s relieving to find every value on the screen green. 

“Ava’s fine, by the way,” Zari says quietly and Sara knows she must have noticed her glancing at the screen. “Not that you asked but I thought you should know.”

There’s a bitterness and an edge as sharp as a knife behind the words that’s hard to miss and it’s well deserved. Sara knows that she deserves nothing less than that from Zari - or any of the Legends really - and yet it still feels like a slap in the face. Sara can’t help the way her eyes snap towards the accusing voice and the way they narrow as she meets Zari’s gaze. To her credit, she doesn’t even flinch and glares back with almost or even the same intensity as Sara does. 

It’s at that moment, from the corner of her eye, that Sara notices Ava stir slightly.

Her heart seizes in her chest at the thought of her waking up and seeing Sara covered in blood like that, and she’s moving before she can even register. Sara is frantic in the way she rips the cuff from around her wrist and slides her legs to the side, and she immediately feels the way her muscles stiffen when she tries to push herself up. Sara hears a noise followed by a few hurried steps and she looks up to find Zari hoovering close but keeping a healthy distance between them. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Zari asks in a stern voice and Sara ignores her, hands gripping the soft material of the armrest as she hoists herself up on shaky legs. Her head spins and her vision goes out of focus, and the next thing she knows she’s falling. A pair of hands catches her before she does and tries to push her back down onto the chair, and Sara struggles against it. She hears Zari letting out a breath. “Sara, you’re in no shape to be walking around. Just sit down and get some rest.”

Sara licks her lips and winces at how dry they are. She opens her mouth and it takes a minute to push the words past that knot still residing in her throat. “Can’t,” she croaks out. “Ava… I don’t… So much blood I-”

“Okay,” is all Zari says and then there’s a hand around Sara’s waist, steadying her, and they’re walking slowly towards the door. She doesn’t say anything else or ask any questions, just dutifully helps Sara into the bathroom. 

When Sara is done, there’re clean clothes and a warm towel waiting for her.

******

Sara is pacing around the bridge and going over the little speech she’s prepared in her mind when the rest of the Legends enter the area. She fidgets and keeps her eyes on the floor, and gives them all a moment to settle down. It’s with a deep breath that she halts her movements and turns to face her team, and finds six pairs of eyes watching her with mixed expressions. 

Ray and Nora are standing to the side, his arm carefully draped over her shoulders, her hand around his waist. They look at her with concern that is hard to miss and Sara finds it hard to keep eye contact with either of them. Zari is leaning against the glass wall of the Captain’s office, arms crossed above her chest with an unreadable expression on her face, and next to her is Nate, the worry lines evident in his forehead. Charlie sits on the steps to their right, lips pursed, and she looks like she’s on edge, rubbing her hands over and over. Lastly there’s Mick, leaning against the glass wall with a beer in hand. He’s not looking at her. 

The first thing that comes out of her mouth is a heartfelt apology, followed by a speech that’s meant mainly for the new members of the team, the ones that have never seen Sara during the time when she first joined the Legends. She speaks openly and candidly about her bloodlust and what it entails, pausing every now and then when she’s required to talk about the  _ Queen’s Gambit,  _ the island, the League of Assassins… and dying. That part earns her a few gasps and wide eyes from the small audience. The story behind her bloodlust unfolds and when she’s finished, it’s impossible to miss the looks of pity some are shooting her way. 

Sara averts her eyes.

The next part on her little speech is the one that she’s classifying and the most important and imperative, and when she tells them what she wants from them, a chorus of protests is what she gets in return. 

She doesn’t want Ava to know what happened, at least not for the time being.

They disagree with her decision and push against it, but thankfully come around to respect it after she promises she will eventually tell Ava herself. Nate, the one in charge of filing the report for the Time Bureau on the incident, is the last one to come around of the group, and very remorsefully agrees to omit the truth from it. Sara can see he’s not totally convinced this was just a one time thing, that this won’t happen again, but chooses not to engage him and instead decides the best thing will be to prove him wrong. 

Team dismissed, Sara takes a deep breath and goes to the medbay, and puts on her best smile when Ava’s bright eyes come into view. And as they talk and she holds her girlfriend’s hands, Sara swears to herself she won’t lose control again, for both her and Ava’s sakes.

******

Sara should have known by now that things never go according to plan. 

It starts gradually after the mission-gone-wrong, when there’s a sudden emergency at the Bureau and Ava has to spend more time there, has to spend less time with Sara. They see each other late or not at all, and that’s when Sara’s dreams begin to shift, begin to turn into her worst nightmares. One night she dreams about the man she’d killed, body laying lifeless at her feet, but it’s not his face that Sara sees: it’s Ray’s. It disturbs her and shakes her to her core, but she puts up a front, moves on with her day normally, and tries to not think about it.

Until the next night when it happens again, only this time it’s Zari’s face she sees, it’s her body in a pool of blood. 

Nightmares have always been a constant in her life so Sara really tries to not let it get to her, really tries to believe it’s just her mind playing tricks on her, that what she’d seen would never happen. But as nights go on and the faces keep changing, keep shifting into another member of her team, she’s on edge. 

She’s reckless and she’s out of focus when they go into the field again, and her body count only grows, even when it could have been avoided. Sara sees the worried faces, sees the concern in their eyes and shrugs it off each time one of them approaches her and asks her if she would like to talk. She crawls back to Ava licking her wounds and when she tries to ask Sara if something is wrong, Sara kisses her senseless, kisses her until Ava forgets what she wanted to say in the first place. It’s wrong and she knows it, but she’s not ready to open up yet. 

It’s on one of those nights, those spent alone in her room on the Waverider, that Sara closes her eyes and dreams about the man again. Except this time, it’s no man she sees.

It’s Ava.

******

The shot rings in her ears and Sara’s moving with the grace of a true assassin through their ranks, concealed knives flying from her hands and hitting their marks with deadly precision. The bodies fall on the floor with a sickening  _ thud  _ at her feet and she doesn’t stop, doesn’t waver, not until she’s the last one standing. Something primitive inside her still screams for more blood, for more tender flesh to cut down and she happily obliges, feet carrying her towards the window overseeing the courtyard where she knows the rest of the Legends are engaged in combat. Sara vaults through the glass as it easily shatters under her weight, and she lands on her feet, eyes snapping towards the fight. 

She pounces on the first man and knocks him down and doesn’t stop until she hears the familiar sound of bones snapping. A woman goes next and then another, both falling victims to a well aimed throwing knife, and she doesn’t stop there. Sara moves effortlessly, leaving a trail of bodies in her awake, and it’s when she has a man in a tight chokehold that she locks gazes with someone.

Someone she instantly recognizes as Nora Darhk.

Sara can’t comprehend why Nora’s eyes are wide, why her lips are parted in a way that makes Sara think she’s trying to tell her something. Her eyes fall on the way Nora’s holding her hands out and she can’t help but take that as a sign of aggression, a sign that Nora is about to try and restrain her. A growl emanates from deep in her chest and she snaps the man’s neck without hesitation, and lets his body drop to the floor. She advances on Nora without a second thought.

An unknown force slams into her chest out of nowhere when she gets close and she’s blown backwards, and Sara hits the ground hard and winces. She’s winded at the impact and lays still, trying to regain her bearings. There are footsteps and a shadow looms over her, and Sara’s eyes flicker towards it. Nora Darhk is there leaning over Sara, saying something she can’t quite make out, and that’s when she springs into action. Sara’s arms shoot up and her hands go straight for Nora’s neck, and she pushes the woman down on the ground and stands over her. Nora sputters and coughs, eyes wide as her hands desperately grip to Sara’s own to try and pry them off from where they rest. Her entire body twists and wriggles but Sara doesn’t move, she only tightens her grip and growls the more Nora struggles against her. 

This is Nora Darhk. This is Damien’s daughter. 

There’s a whoosh followed by hurried footsteps and then there are firm hands on hers, insistently tugging to loosen her grip on Nora’s neck. Sara refuses to let go and lets out a growl as a warning, and the hands only grow more and more insistent. Sara faintly hears someone shouting her name and then there’s more footsteps, and she feels a pair of arms wrap around her waist.

And that’s when Sara is suddenly aware that her back is flushed against a familiar warmth and a familiar body, and there’s an equally familiar voice in her ear telling her to  _ ‘let go’.  _

It’s Ava.

Sara’s entire body stills and her eyes go wide the second reality sinks in and she notices just exactly what she’s doing. It’s with a jolt that she loosens her grip and tries to move back, tries to get away from a coughing and spluttering Nora. Ava pulls her close and holds her there, and Sara feels one of her hands move from her waist to rest just above her chest, a gesture she’d done so many times when Sara would wake up from a nightmare. 

The entire situation sure feels like one. 

Sara notices Ray for the first time and realizes with a heavy heart that he’d been the one trying to pry her hands away from Nora’s neck. He’s holding Nora close and rubbing soothing circles on her back, and she catches him chancing a glance towards her over his shoulder, their eyes meeting only briefly before he turns his attention back on Nora. Sara wants to say something, anything at all, but the words are stuck in her throat. She wouldn’t even know what to say other than a heartfelt ‘sorry’ that would probably fall empty. Sara had just tried to harm one of their own.

There are more footsteps and Sara shuts her eyes, trying to contain the moisture that’s starting to gather at the corners, and she wants to run, wants to hide and get away so she doesn’t have to face the accusatory glances she’s so sure the rest of the team is throwing her way, but Ava is holding her and keeping her in place and part of her doesn’t want Ava to let go. 

Her heart still threatens to break out of her ribcage even with the comfortable weight that is Ava’s hand and Sara’s not sure how she should feel, what she needs to do, what she can do to make things better, and suddenly she’s spiraling down. Her breath hitches and her hands reach up to claw at the invisible force she can feel round her neck and then there’s gentle hands firmly holding her own, and she feels her body being shifted slightly until her cheek brushes against warm skin. 

“Breathe, Sara. It’s okay. You’re okay. Just breathe,” Ava whispers in her ear and Sara tries to hold onto her words, tries to cling to them with everything she’s got, tries to believe her. But how? How can Ava sit there and bare to touch her and hold her? How can she bare to offer comfort to someone so undeserving, so dangerous as Sara? 

There are more voices that reach her ears, but she can’t make out what they’re saying. She feels like she’s underwater, all the sounds so muffled and distant, and then it feels like she’s drowning again, a heavy stone sinking in the ocean. Her mind flashes her back to the  _ Queen’s Gambit _ , back to gasping for air while unforgiving waves pull her under. She knows she should be trying to push back, knows she should be trying to fight it, but right here in this moment, Sara is too tired to do anything but give in.

It’s easy when she lets the waves take her, easy to embrace the feeling of peace that comes with it as she falls. Deeper and deeper she goes, spiraling downwards into the darkness, and here that’s all she knows. 

Darkness.

Hopeless and sinister, empty and everlasting, there’s nothing for her to do except continue to sink into it, into this endless sea that calls her name. It’s dark, making it seem like that’s all there’ll ever be, and she embraces it with all she’s got as if that’s all she will ever know. 

And then there’s a light. 

It pierces through the veil, and Sara finds herself squinting as it hits her, so defiant and bright and warm against her skin. The darkness is still pulling at her, but now it doesn’t seem so daunting, so inescapable, and Sara feels an unknown force pulling her up and up, through the waters, and then she’s breaking the surface with a gasp. 

It takes a moment for her eyes to be able to adjust properly to the light, and when they finally do, the sight that greets her makes her stomach drop. She’s back there again, back in Nanda Parbat, back inside the Lazarus pit that had brought her back to life. She spots two faceless assassins, standing guard on either side, and they don’t seem to acknowledge her, not even when she disturbs the waters. Sara’s eyes catch a glimpse of the door, on the other side of the chamber, when she hoists herself to look past the polished stone that surrounds the pit. Her right hand grips the edge and she tries to pull herself out of the water, and then there are arms shooting out from below, latching onto her limbs, gripping and pulling her down. Sara struggles against them, struggles to keep her head from going under and it feels like her soul is trapped again, trapped into damnation. 

Except this time she knows there will be no Laurel or Oliver to save her from it. 

The thought is nearly enough to make her give up the fight and give into the darkness that awaits her. This is who she really is, a creature of darkness that longs to spill blood, that longs for bodies lying lifeless at her feet. She is Death itself and no matter how much she denies, how much she tries to be better, she will never escape it. 

Sara resigns herself to her faith. She’s too tired to keep fighting. 

Her entire body stills and she loosens the grip on the polished stone and closes her eyes. She feels herself being slowly dragged under again, the water rising and rising until it’s up to her neck… and that’s when she hears it. The sound of fighting, of metal hitting metal echoing through the chamber until it reaches her ears, along with a voice that calls for her. With a jolt, her eyes open again and her hands shoot up to grab onto whatever she can reach. The sounds get closer and closer and she manages to holster herself right in time to witness the door to the chamber being pushed open by a familiar face.

It’s Ava.

Their gazes meet across the room and it’s like time itself stills and ceases to exist.

She flashes Sara a warm smile and twirls a sword in her hand, the smooth metal creating a show of light around the room as it cuts through the air. Sara’s eyes flicker briefly to the assassins that stand guard by the pit and panic rises in her gut when they pull out their own swords and begin advancing towards Ava without hesitation. She screams her name and tries to push herself up and out of the pit, but the arms holding her only grip harder, only pull her back into the waters. Sara struggles against them and ends up losing her grip, and panics when she can’t see past the ledge anymore. She’s still calling out Ava’s name even as the sound of clashing swords fills the area and nearly drowns out everything else. 

A noticeable  _ thud _ reaches her ears and everything stills. Sara can’t see who’s left standing and tears burn in her eyes at the thought of Ava lying lifeless on the floor, another casualty in the long list of people touched by Sara Lance that didn’t make it. But then there are footsteps and Ava’s smiling face comes into view, and her hands grip Sara’s own and pull, and even when it looks like they’re getting nowhere with getting Sara free, Ava doesn’t give up. She hoists herself up onto the ledge and pulls harder than before, and next thing Sara knows she’s out of the water and they’re falling backwards towards the tiled floor. 

******

The first thing Sara becomes aware of is the soft brush of skin against her cheek. Gradually she’s also aware of other little things, like the softness of the surface she’s lying on top of and what she thinks may be a pillow underneath her head. There’s also something warm draped over her limbs that smells faintly of lavender and _ home  _ and that gives Sara the final push she needs to crack her eyes open. She blinks a few times against the light that invades her field of vision, and waits until her eyes adjust to it enough that she can make out her surroundings, and not even a second later after her eyes are fully open Ava’s face comes into view, and Sara’s breath catches in her throat. 

“Hey, welcome back,” Ava begins quietly, voice just above a whisper. “I missed you.”

Sara’s mind feels foggy and hazy, and she doesn’t quite catch the meaning behind those words. “Did I… Go somewhere?” she barely manages to croak out, her voice cracking with what feels like disuse. The corners of Ava’s eyes crinkle at her words and Sara notices the moisture that’s gathering there and frowns. “Did I say… something wrong?”

Ava lets out a wet laugh, shakes her head and sniffs quietly. “No babe, you did absolutely nothing wrong, okay? You did nothing wrong,” she says and the hand that isn’t brushing against Sara’s cheek moves to grip one of Sara’s. “You really did nothing wrong.”

It takes a full minute or perhaps a bit longer than that for her brain to slowly catch up and get its grip on reality. Fragments and glimpses pierce through the haze, of knives flying and bodies falling, of red stained floors and glass shards. Of hands outstretched and something invisible knocking the wind out of her lungs… And of her own hands, around Nora Darhk’s neck, trying to squeeze the life out of her. 

Everything comes crashing down all at once and Ava’s touch on her feels like fire. Her breath hitches and her heart beats frantically in her chest, and she struggles against the hands on her skin, tries to push them away from her, tries to push Ava away. The hand on her cheek retracts and Sara thinks she has succeeded, but she feels it resting above her chest, in that too familiar gesture. There are tears blurring her vision and Sara shakes her head, the word ‘no’ leaves her lips over and over again and Ava looks at her in a way that Sara wishes she really didn’t. 

“Sara. Hey, no, look at me. Look at me, Sara,” she hears Ava say and feels her moving closer, feels her breath ghosting against her cheek. “Don’t go there again, okay? Don’t go in your corner.”

Sara lets out a shuddering breath at those words, the same ones she’d spoken to Ava when they were stuck in her Purgatory, and she stills. Somehow they feel fitting and ring true, and Sara realizes then that yes, she did go in her corner the moment she refused to tell Ava she's lost control. Maybe she was ashamed of it, maybe she was scared of losing Ava for good, and now she feels stupid for even thinking that was a possibility. Ava saw what Sara had tried to do and she still held her in her arms, still cared for her, still brought Sara  _ home _ . 

She hears Ava let out a breath of her own and her eyes move to meet hers. “Look I know what happened in that basement.” She pauses and Sara immediately swallows, breath catching in her throat. Maybe she’s wrong, maybe Ava is going to leave her after all. “Ray told me after you… After you lost consciousness. Sara, I- I wish you’d told me, I wish…”

Ava trails off and there are tears running down her cheeks, and Sara wants nothing more than to wipe them away, so she lifts her free hand slowly and moves it closer to Ava’s face, and hesitates. She’s not sure if the touch is welcome so she hovers there, uncertain, and just as she’s about to pull her hand away, Ava tilts her head towards it and rests her cheek against Sara’s palm. 

“I’m sorry,” is all Sara manages to say and she means it.

“I know you are, Sara.” The corners of Ava’s lips turn upwards as she says it, and then her expression turns serious. “We’ll need to talk. About all this. But for now I want you to get some rest, okay?”

Sara nods and lets her hand fall from Ava’s cheek, and gently rests it on top of the hand Ava has placed above Sara’s chest. She lets out a breath and closes her eyes, tries to settle down, and then realizes there’s something on her mind that needs an answer before she goes under again.

“Are you staying with me?”

There’s a ghost of a kiss on her forehead and Ava laces their fingers together. “I’m not going anywhere, Sara. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As requested by @AnimagusFireblade, here's a second chapter for this fic!
> 
> Hope it's enjoyable despite all the angst :P
> 
> A huge thank you to @WardenRoot for cheering me on to finish this mess and to @Starling83 for the beta ♥
> 
> P.s.: Any complaints about this chapter should be directed to @AnimagusFireblade since she's the one who kept pestering me to write it. Thank you. :')

The following days are some of the toughest of Ava's life yet. 

On day one, Sara clings to her like a lifeline, refusing to leave her side or stray too far. They shower together and end up spending the rest of the day on the couch lying underneath an insane pile of blankets, watching random movies and TV shows. Sara's head is always resting on her chest, right above where her heart is, and it's not too difficult for Ava to understand why, taking in consideration what had transpired. She threads her fingers through Sara’s hair, her blunt nails lightly scraping her scalp, and is rewarded with Sara snuggling just a tad closer and letting out the tiniest of content sighs at the motion every time. It's peaceful and quiet for the most part, even with the added struggle of having to disentangle herself from an overly cuddly Sara Lance when she needs to use the restroom or for meal times, but she wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

There’s a moment during the day where Ava feels the need to pierce the little cozy bubble they seem to have gotten themselves in, when her phone pings with an incoming text message from Ray. He’s letting her know Nora is alright - along with assuring her the Legends haven’t got themselves into trouble while their captain is out, and all Ava can think about afterwards is the talk her and Sara are both due to have. Her eyes fall on Sara, who’s propped against a pillow opposite from her eating a spoonful of ice cream, but when their gazes meet the words end up dying on Ava’s tongue. Sara’s eyes lack the spark she’s so used to seeing in them, and she looks so small sitting there that Ava decides that waiting one more day won’t hurt, so instead she flashes a warm smile and opens her arms for Sara to come snuggle with her. They end up falling asleep to some old black and white movie not long after that, tangled together on Ava’s couch.

It’s on day two that things begin to take a turn for the worse. 

Sara is not as clingy as before - quite the opposite. She always makes sure there’s a little gap of space between their bodies as they sit together, and the only physical contact she seems comfortable with is holding hands. They shower separately that morning as well - Sara insists on it and Ava respects her boundaries, even if she’s struggling to comprehend what’s going through her girlfriend’s mind. The ‘incident’, as it comes to be referred to, ends up being brought up around lunch time when Ava receives another text from Ray. Sara is the one who ends up opening it at her request, seeing as she's too busy stirring a pot to check, and Ava immediately regrets asking her. Sara’s face falls and she quickly excuses herself to go get some air, and Ava can’t do anything else other than watch her go.

They end up talking for about an hour after Sara returns to the room. 

The imposed distance she puts between them during the conversation hurts, but Ava is mindful of it, even if all she wants to do is reach across the canyon to pull Sara into her arms and never let go. She listens carefully as Sara opens up about the bloodlust and how it came to be, pausing every so often to wipe stubbornly at the tears that manage to make it past her eyelids, like they’re yet another reminder of how she’s not as strong as she appears to be. Sara ends up verbalizing just that towards the end of her rambling, and Ava assures her no one - including herself - thinks any lowly of her for giving in, and even if Sara doesn’t look that convinced, she still reaches out to take Ava’s hand on her own. They don’t talk about Nora or what happened in the basement, and Ava doesn’t push. Sara grows quiet but does move closer to snuggle into her side and Ava takes what she can get, happy that at least she got Sara to open up a little bit.

Sara falls asleep with her head resting on Ava’s lap that night, and since she doesn’t have the heart to move her, she ends up sleeping in the most uncomfortable way possible. 

The following days are not much different, and even though Sara keeps gradually opening up to Ava, keeps reaching for her hand and keeps laying her head on her chest, the distance between them seems to be growing tenfold. Ava always chalks it down as her own insecurities trying to get the best of her, that is until day six rolls around and she wakes up alone to an empty apartment and nothing but a handwritten note.

Sara was gone. 

******

It takes Ava fifteen long minutes to let reality sink in, ten more for her to stop panicking and another five for her to begin rationalizing that perhaps Sara had simply returned to the Waverider. It didn’t help that the note she’d left was so vague - a quick  _ “Thank you for everything, Ava. Love you” _ messily scribbled down on a piece of paper, left on the coffee table under Ava’s tea cup from the night before for her to find. Part of her wants to text Sara; or even one of the Legends, just to confirm that her assumption is in fact correct, but considering the hard talk about Nora they had the night before, Ava feels it’s best to not reach out. If Sara has indeed gone back to the ship she probably has her hands full having the tough talks she’d been avoiding so far, and Ava feels she shouldn’t intrude on that, regardless of feeling like she should be by Sara’s side for support. 

And so she places her phone back on the small table by the couch and gets busy cleaning up the apartment instead.

The massive pile of dishes sitting on her sink is the first thing she deals with after having breakfast, and Ava frowns when she has to scrub extra hard to get leftover chocolate ice-cream from two of her white bowls. Her tea and coffee mugs are also a pain to get the stains off, but she manages with a little help of some lemon juice - a little nifty trick she’d learn from an uneventful afternoon browsing the internet. In the end she happily eyes the resulting clean pile of dishes and gives it a satisfied nod, and it doesn’t take long before she’s moving to wipe at the counters and the surrounding cabinets.

By lunch time the entire kitchen and living room areas are absolutely spotless, and when Ava decides to take a break to grab a snack, she finds herself casually reaching for her phone to check it. The screen lights up with a picture she and Sara had taken together one lazy morning in bed and not much else, and the urge again to text her returns once more to torment Ava. She ends up pushing it down once again and simply lays her phone face down on the table again, suddenly deciding the rest of the apartment could use some cleaning as well.

******

Ava is blissfully busy for the rest of the day, and it’s well past seven p.m. by the time she finishes up her cleaning spree. Her entire place is absolutely spotless and smells fresh and Ava lets out a content sigh as she allows herself to fall down on the couch, completely exhausted from her ventures. It’s only when she closes her eyes, ready to settle for a quick nap before she orders some food, that she feels the need to check her phone for any new messages. She’s too lazy to get up so she simply stretches her arm out and paws blindly at the small table, until she feels the familiar shape of her phone underneath her palm. She grabs it and brings the device closer to her face, squinting at the sudden brightness as the screen lights up. 

There’s only one notification - a new message from Ray - and something about it causes her stomach to sink even before she has the time to read its contents. 

She sits up straighter and unlocks the phone, clicking on the little envelope to open the message up, and as her eyes sweep through the words, Ava feels like someone just punches her in the gut. It’s just a daily update, reassuring Ava that everyone is still fine and out of trouble, but what causes the alarms in her brain to go off is how he casually asks how  _ Sara is doing.  _

Ava only barely has half a mind to check the timestamp - it was sent only thirty minutes ago - before she’s panicking again, all the ‘what if’s’ and worst case scenarios going through her mind like a slideshow. She starts considering her options but doesn’t get to finish it, as her fingers move to type out a quick ‘ _ I thought Sara was back on the Waverider’ _ and she hits send. Ava doesn’t sit and wait for a reply, and instead stands up and rushes to her bedroom, throwing the small drawer of her nightstand open only to find it empty. 

Sara had taken her time courier.

The panic is quickly turned into purpose now that she has a way of tracking where her girlfriend may have gone off to, and Ava wastes no time reaching under the bed to pull out a small safe where she started keeping some spare time couriers ever since she’d met the legends. It wasn’t a rare occasion for her courier to go magically ‘missing’ every other week, and as such Ava had taken precautions - which had sure come in handy more times than not. She inputs the code as fast as possible and quickly grabs one of the couriers, before she closes the safe and pushes it under her bed again. 

It takes a bit of fiddling around, as it does with every new device, to input all the right permissions and settings to get it fully functional, and as soon as the  _ ‘synchronizing… please wait’  _ shows up on the small screen, Ava moves to grab at her laptop and drags it with her back to the living room. By the time she’s back sitting on her couch waiting for the laptop to start up, her phone has already pinged three times, with two new messages from Ray and one from Nora, both no doubt wondering what is going on. Ava fires a quick message just to assure them she’ll let them know the second she finds Sara, and then gets busy typing on her laptop to find out when and to where her courier has been used. 

The words ‘Star City, 2019’ highlight the moment she inputs the right parameters, with today’s date stamped underneath it. 

Ava doesn’t give herself permission to look too much into why the coordinates seem so familiar to her, instead wasting no time in slamming her laptop shut and standing up. She pockets her phone, ignoring the ping that signals a new message, and only has half a mind to slip her shoes on and the coat draped over the armchair before she’s inputting the coordinates on the courier she latches onto her left wrist. A portal opens in front of her not even a second later, and Ava steps across as she lets out a breath she didn’t realise she’d been holding. 

A rusty gate, with the words  _ ‘Star City Cemetery’ _ spelled above it is all that greets her. 

******

The place is dark and deserted as Ava pushes the small gate open, wincing at the absolute awful sound it makes at the motion. She begins walking down the small dirt path, eyes scanning the tall mausoleums and graves she passes by for any signs of Sara, even if she knows  _ exactly  _ where she’s going to find her. Ava’s feet carry her off path and she grips her coat closer to her body as the chill of the night finally starts to seep into her skin and makes her shiver. She takes a left and then another, following the smaller dirt path until she reaches a clearing, and doesn’t take long for Ava’s eyes to spot a dark figure leaning against a now quite familiar headstone. 

She stands there frozen in place for a moment, not knowing what to do now that she found Sara, but it’s not too long before she’s taking slow, calculated steps towards her, as if she’s afraid Sara will run - or even disappear right in front of her eyes - if she approaches too fast. She’s only a mere few feet away when she notices movement, and her eyes meet Sara’s for what feels like the first time in forever. The full moon above chooses that exact moment to peek through the clouds and bathes the area in an eerie silver glow, and Ava feels herself holding her breath at the scenario that suddenly greets her. Sara’s arms are completely bare as she sits there leaning against Laurel Lance’s headstone, with knees pulled into her chest, but it’s the absolute dejected look on her face that has Ava letting out a gasp and rushing over. She kneels down, not caring about the dampness that seeps through her pants at the motion, and her right hand reaches out towards Sara’s cheek. She doesn’t complete the motion however, no matter how much she really wants to, choosing to let her hand hover uncertainly instead. There’s no telling if Sara would welcome or reject the touch, and Ava lets that decision for her to make, if she wants to. 

Her eyes flicker to really take in the scene before her, and it’s not difficult to spot the empty bottle of whiskey still being held in a vice grip on Sara’s right hand and Ava finds herself frowning at the sight out of habit. 

That seems to get a reaction. 

“I’m an awful person, Ava,” Sara begins, her words slurred and her voice hoarse, and Ava looks up in time to see the way her eyes begin to shine with unshed tears. “Laurel was the good one. She was always the good one and yet she’s dead and I’m here. Why? Why Ava?”

The question has Ava feeling like her heart just about shatters into a million pieces inside her chest. “I don’t know, Sara,” she whispers quietly, “I really don’t know. But you’re not an awful person.”

“I am-”

“You’re not. Sara, you’re the most kind and compassionate person I have ever met. You care about your team and you do everything to keep them safe when you’re all out there fixing the timeline, even if sometimes that puts you in harm’s way.” She pauses for a moment, watching as Sara shakes her head and mutters something indiscernible under her breath. It’s not difficult to guess what it may be about, considering what’s been looming over her head. “They’re worried about you, you know?”

Sara tilts her head at that. “Why would they be?”

“Because they care about you.”

“They shouldn’t. They’re better off now that I’m not around to hurt them.”

“You know that’s not true, Sara,” Ava begins, her right hand still hovering uncertainly, even if she wants nothing more than to wipe at the tears now stubbornly running down Sara’s cheeks. “Think of all the times you saved them out there on the field; think about how, without you there to keep them all together, there’s just no way the Legends would have been able to gather all the totems and use them to defeat Mallus. You’re their glue - their captain. They need you.”

Sara remains quiet for a moment, like she’s digesting Ava’s words, and then her gaze falls. She stubbornly wipes at her face with the hand that’s not still clinging to the empty bottle and lets out a breath through her nose. “If it wasn’t for me,” she starts slowly, sounding much more sober than before, “they would have never broken time. Face it, Ava - they’re really better off without me there.” 

“And if you hadn’t broken time, I wouldn’t be here today,” Ava carefully reminds her, blinking at the moisture that gathers at her own eyes as she speaks. “Without it happening, the Time Bureau would have never come to be, which means Rip wouldn’t have recruited me - or at least a version of me - to join him. I could have been literally anywhere else right now or I could have never come to be in the first place, and yet here I am. And it’s all thanks to you, Sara.” 

Ava doesn't even get time to brace herself for what happens next. One second she's watching as Sara is still stubbornly refusing to meet her gaze, and the next a pair of wide eyes is the last thing she sees before Sara is surging forward to kiss her. 

Shock aside, Ava doesn't even hesitate in closing her eyes and kissing her back.

There's a certain intensity in the way Sara's lips press into hers, a sort of desperation in the way she tilts her head and tries to deepen the kiss, letting out a small whine when Ava allows it to happen. She feels Sara's hands cradling her face not long after, and as hesitant as the touch feels at first, it becomes more firm and assured. Her own hand - the one that had been hovering uncertainly - moves to rest against Sara's elbow, while the other reaches blindly to grab a fistful of the dark material of Sara’s tank top. She's not even sure for how long they stay like that, but when Sara reluctantly breaks the kiss, Ava finds herself gasping for much needed air. She feels Sara shifting and is suddenly afraid she's going to pull back again, that she's going right back into her corner - but then she feels Sara resting her forehead against hers instead, hands still gently cradling Ava's face. 

"I'm so sorry," she hears Sara whisper, her breath dancing across Ava's lips with every word. "I didn't mean it like that." 

"I know, Sara."

"I didn't mean to make you feel like I'm not happy you're here, Ava. Because  _ I am _ ."

"I know-"

"And I didn't mean to hurt Nora or anyone else from the team. They’re my family and I just…" she pauses for a moment to let out a breath through her nose. "I didn't know how to face them, after what I have done. I felt so guilty and I was so scared of hurting you as well that I didn't know what to do, Aves. That's why I came here."

Ava pulls back just enough so she can open her eyes and look at Sara. "I know all that, babe, and so does Nora; the others as well." She flashes Sara what she hopes to be a reassuring smile, and the hand resting on Sara’s elbow moves up to gently wipe at the moisture that has gathered on her cheek. "And we're all here for you when you're ready to talk about what happened."

She half expects Sara to shake her head and reject her words once more, and is surprised when it doesn't happen - instead Sara simply gives her a small nod, before she shifts closer. There's a pair of  _ really  _ cold arms that slip inside her jacket to lock around her waist and regardless of how much she wants to chastise Sara for not wearing a jacket, Ava simply files that for a later time and hugs her back instead. Sara tucks her head in the crook of Ava's neck, and she feels every shaky breath she takes against the skin there. It makes her shiver more than the cold skin resting around her waist.

She's not sure for how long they sit there, but considering how damp her clothes begin to feel, her guess is  _ a while _ . Sara's breath has evened out and the grip around Ava's waist has gone slack, which can only mean she had somehow nodded off without Ava realizing. Considering where they still are, Ava reasons only Sara Lance of all people would feel comfortable to snooze at a graveyard.

The thought causes her to let out a snort, which seems to get the sleepyhead in her arms to stir. Ava looks down when she feels Sara shift against her, just in time to see a pair of eyes blinking lazily at her. She’s bleary-eyed and her eyebrows furrow as she scans their surroundings like she’s noticing where they  _ still are  _ for the first time, and Ava can’t help but to lean down to place a chaste kiss on Sara’s lips when their eyes meet again. 

“What was that for?” Sara asks in a sleepy tone, the corner of her mouth twitching up for the first time in days. “Not that I’m complaining…”

Ava simply shakes her head and chuckles. “Of course you’re not.” She leans down again to give Sara a quick peck this time. “I love you, you goober. That’s why I kiss you.”

Sara gets this thoughtful look on her face, like she’s considering Ava’s words and weighting them down, and Ava ends up bracing herself for the rebuttal, for the ‘why’s’ and the self doubts verbalized - except they never come. Sara’s eyes bear an edge of mischief and her lips actually spread into a lazy smile, and Ava finds herself blinking at the sudden change. “I may need a bigger sample to determine the veracity of that - two kisses are hardly enough.”

“Come home with me  _ and  _ I may consider it.”

There’s a noticeable shift in Sara’s whole demeanor as Ava mentions the word ‘home’. 

She purses her lips and avoids her gaze, and Ava patiently waits for Sara to voice her thoughts, even if she’s been more than ready to portal them back to her apartment since Sara had settled down in her arms. She’s exhausted and in clear need of a warm bath by now, but if Sara needs to linger a little longer, she will stay with her in a heartbeat. She notices Sara’s eyes flickering towards the headstone behind them for a moment, before she’s meeting her gaze. “Yeah,” she begins slowly, “let’s go home.”

******

The atmosphere shifts when they get back to Ava’s apartment.

Sara is still considerably cagey as Ava sits her down on the couch and drapes a warm throw over her shoulders, followed by a warm cup of tea. Her eyes are still lacking their natural brightness, her gorgeous blue now dulled down to almost grey, and Ava wishes she knew what to do to pull her back from whichever corner of her mind Sara is currently lingering at. She doesn’t push however - Ava simply kicks her shoes off and discards her jacket by the armchair, before she’s sitting down on the coffee table right across from Sara. Their gazes meet then and Ava flashes her a warm smile, and is pleased when Sara attempts to mirror it, even if hers doesn’t feel as genuine as it should.

They stay silent for a while, and as the first rays of sun begin filtering through Ava’s large living room, signalling the start of a new day, Sara rubs at her face and lets out a chuckle. “God, we’re such a mess.”

The words catch Ava off guard for a moment, but then she’s reaching out for Sara’s hand with her own. “And I wouldn’t have us any other way,” she adds as a bit of an afterthought to Sara’s statement, squeezing her hand for good measure. Sara squeezes back.

A warm orange glow begins bathing their forms not too long after that, and Sara lets out a barely concealed yawn. Ava follows suit, her muscles suddenly feeling twice as heavy as they normally do, and she begins to wonder just how willing she may be in skipping a much needed shower to just fall into bed instead. She’s about to ask Sara if she wants to come to bed or if she prefers them staying on the couch, but the words die in her throat when Ava notices the way Sara’s gaze is suddenly filled with a weariness that has nothing to do with lack of sleep. “How about a warm bath?” she casually asks, fully aware of the reason why that is. “I don’t know about you but I’m still feeling pretty chilly - not to mention there  _ may  _ be mud stuck in weird places.”

There’s something akin to an appreciative smile shot her way as Sara nods her agreement. “Sounds good. I’m still feeling pretty chilly myself.”

“Yeah, can’t think of a reason  _ why  _ that is.”

Sara rolls her eyes. “If you’re going to scowl me, Ava Sharpe, please do so when I’m actually awake and willing to listen.”

“Aw, how nice of you. I’ll do that then, if only because you asked so nicely.”

There’s a little smile playing on Sara’s lips again and Ava files it in her mind as another small victory, before she stands up and slowly begins to drag her girlfriend towards the bathroom. She’s surprised how willingly she follows and how willing she is in sharing a bath with Ava again, considering how she’d preferred to do it by herself for the past couple of days. She lets go of Sara’s hand to run the bath, and as she gets busy fussing with the taps to make sure the temperature is just right, the sound of fabric rustling and hitting the floor reaches her ears. It’s hard not to steal a quick glance over her shoulder but Ava keeps her eyes on the water at all times, even as she stands up to make quick work of her own clothes. She feels Sara, more than she sees her, coming closer and the second the last article of clothing hits the floor by her feet, there’s a pair of arms snaking their way around her waist and a warm body flushed against hers. 

Ava’s entire body freezes at the unexpected action. “You’re tense,” Sara murmurs against her, and Ava feels every warm puff of breath she lets out gliding over the skin in between her shoulder blades, making her shiver. 

"Just tired," she manages to answer somehow, hands reaching up to touch Sara's. Ava's not sure what's going on, but finds herself relaxing into Sara's welcome warmth, going as far as to close her eyes when dexterous fingers begin to draw soft patterns against her stomach. They stay like that for a few minutes until the motions stop and she feels Sara's entire body tense. Ava’s eyes instantly fall open. "Is everything alright, babe?"

"Yeah," Sara says too quickly as she disentangles herself from Ava and moves past her to step into the warm water. "Everything is fine."

She doesn’t really buy it, but chooses not to push once again, and instead slides down onto the water across from Sara. Their legs are touching for the most part, regardless of how spacious the bathtub is, and as both busy themselves with their own cleaning routine, no words are spoken. Sara’s gaze seems to be avoiding hers, but as Ava finishes up, the water shifts and she looks up only to find Sara thoughtfully chewing on her lower lip, her body leaning towards hers as if she wants to come closer. Ava simply watches her for a moment before she shifts her own body until she’s more comfortably sitting up - Sara still makes no effort to move then and Ava rests her forearms against the edges of the bathtub and patiently waits. Just as she thinks Sara is about to pull back, there’s an hesitant hand covering her right knee, and after some more shuffling, Sara’s back is firmly flushed against Ava’s front. She lets out the breath she didn’t realize she had been holding throughout the entire action once she feels Sara settling comfortably against her and letting out a small pleased sigh, and it’s not long after that Ava deems okay to let her own arms wrap around Sara’s waist to hold her close.

It’s not difficult for Ava to notice, with Sara laying in her arms, the way her muscles seem to tense and relax every so often, like she’s running an uphill battle against herself, and Ava wishes nothing more but to fight it for her - or at the very least, fight by her side.

She tilts her head to press a gentle kiss against Sara’s cheek instead. “What are you so afraid of?” she catches herself wondering out loud.

“Myself.”

******

Ava just barely reminds herself to send a quick text to Ray to let him know Sara’s fine before she’s dropping face first into her pillow with a groan. Her hair is still pretty damp from the bath but she’s too tired to care and equally too tired to bother drying it, even though she still scrunches her nose when she feels her pillowcase quickly becoming wet. There’s footsteps and Ava cracks one eye open in time to watch Sara walk into the bedroom, still towelling her own hair. She’s wearing one of Ava’s baggy shirts, the ones she loves to buy just so Sara can steal them, and as she finishes drying her hair, the same wariness from before is present in her eyes. 

Ava sits up straighter at the sight. “It’s okay, Sara,” she begins softly, “we can just take the couch if you feel safer there.”

It surprises her when Sara simply shakes her head and hesitantly approaches the bed, stopping just shy of the edge of it. “No, it’s alright.” 

Regardless of the verbal confirmation, she still makes no move to enter the physical space of the bed, that is until Ava offers her hand and Sara takes it. She pulls her down with her and she comes all too willingly, despite all the hesitation for a second ago, and soon enough they’re both comfortably laying under the duvet, ready to get some well deserved rest. Sara lays her head on Ava’s chest and Ava gently begins the all too familiar motion of threading her fingers through her hair.

“Ava?”

“Yeah?”

“I want you there with me,” she pauses for a second to let out a breath through her nose, “when I talk to Ray and Nora.”

“Oh,” is all she can say at first, as Sara’s request catches her by surprise, but Ava does manage to follow it up with, “of course I will be there if you want me to.” 

She feels Sara slowly nod against her chest, and soon her breath evens out. Ava waits a few minutes longer until she’s sure Sara is fast asleep, and only then does she finally succumb to her own exhaustion. 

  
  
  


******

They wake up way past noon and since neither of them can’t be bothered to cook, they end up ordering some Chinese food instead. They eat in bed, much to Ava’s internal chagrin, but she doesn’t let it bother her as much as it should, seeing as Sara’s laugh echoes through the room every time a tiny drop of sauce flies off and lands on the once pristine sheets and Ava acts like she’s physically hurt by the sight. They cuddle up and watch a movie afterwards, and Sara seems mostly back to her old self by them, pointing out every inaccuracy she can find, and Ava is too content listening to her rambles to actually pay attention to the screen. Around eleven they decide maybe it’s time to call it a night, that is until Sara distracts Ava with kisses. 

It’s impossible for them not to end up getting handsy at some point, and while Ava is more than happy to make Sara purr underneath her touch, she notices the hands that are usually roaming all over her body and tugging at her layers are suddenly surprisingly still against the mattress. Ava’s busy leaving a trail of open mouth kisses and gentle bites down Sara’s neck when she reaches for one of her hands and tries to place it on her waist, tries to get Sara to actually  _ touch her _ \- but as soon as it makes contact with her skin, Sara pulls it back like she’s been burned, and Ava halts what she’s doing to look at her. 

She opens her mouth to ask what’s wrong but Sara silences with a chaste kiss. “I need you to touch me,” is all she says, her voice huskier, and Ava’s rational side short circuits on the spot.

Ava’s incredibly gentle in her ministrations, even as Sara begs and squirms underneath her, and she takes her sweet time working her up before she gives her exactly what she wants, and even though Ava herself ends up pretty worked up in the end, she’s happy enough to just let Sara snuggle and fall asleep on her chest.

She doesn’t think much of it when it happens again the next morning and then again in the evening after that, chalking it up to Sara just needing an outlet for all the stress she’s built up. 

They end up returning to the ship on the third day, and Ava stands there holding Sara’s hand from the moment they step onto the bridge and are greeted by the Legends. It gets slightly awkward when some approach to give Sara a hug as she blurts out apology after apology, and Ava nearly draws the line when Nate bearhugs both of them for good measure. The conversation between Sara and Nora happens in the privacy of the Captain’s office, as Ava and Ray stand there for support. She ends up having to squeeze Sara’s hand for reassurance as the words seem to fail her, and Ava is the one that ends up tearing up when Sara and Nora hug it out. 

It’s not in their plans to linger, with Sara still having residual feelings of guilt about what had transpired, but the Legends insist in wanting to spend time with their captain, and Ava is more than pleased to see Sara slowly opening up and being back to her old self. She scolds Mick for drinking most of the beer they had fabricated for the afternoon and sneaks Zari a donut, even if Gideon has warned them Miss Tomaz has had enough sugar; Ava also catches her laughing with Nora at something Ray says, and it warms her heart watching their little family come together once more, without the heavy clouds looming above their heads as before. 

Dinner goes out without much of a hitch, not counting Mick complaining his meat was not well done enough for his tastes, before proceeding to burn it to a crisp.

By the time everyone is ready to call it a night, Sara is still bouncing around with unspent energy and Ava casually suggests a quick sparring session. It’s not something they haven’t done multiple times before, just a quick bo staff workout or hand-to-hand to get the edge off, so Ava is caught by surprise when Sara’s expression drops and she’s suddenly fake yawning and complaining just how tired she is.

And that’s when Ava slowly, but surely, begins to connect the dots. 

They end up staying on the ship for a few more days, and even if Sara still absolutely refuses to go out in the field herself, she agrees to let the Legends handle some low level missions when they get particularly antsy and arguments begin to break out. It’s Ava who pushes the idea, much to everyone’s surprise, and the first few missions go without a hitch, with both her and Sara manning the coms. It’s predictable that Sara ends up becoming noticeably more irritable with being stuck on the ship, and Ava uses that as an opportunity to try and get her to spar with her again… 

It goes just as well as before, with Sara either pretending she’s suddenly too tired or claiming she would prefer to work out by herself; not to mention behind closed doors it’s much of the same. Sara allows Ava to touch her and make her fall apart, but refuses to let her own hands roam, no matter how much Ava assures her that it’s okay, that she's not going to break, that she trusts Sara.

By the time the week is over and they’re due to return to Ava’s apartment for the weekend, she’s had enough. During the morning briefing, a small mission pops up to retrieve a stolen artifact and Ava volunteers herself to go alone, much to everyone’s - mainly Sara’s - chagrin. She reasons it to be a simple stealth operation and that having more than one person in the field may end up drawing unwanted attention, and everyone somehow ends up agreeing. 

Everyone except one Sara Lance.

As Ava gets busy preparing for the mission, reading up on articles and having Gideon fabricate her a proper attire, Sara follows her around like a shadow. She lists all the nth reasons why Ava shouldn’t go in by herself, and as Ava absolutely refuses to be dissuaded, an argument breaks out between the two. It’s not pretty and Sara ends up storming off when Ava simply states she could just tag along instead of hiding on the ship. 

Zari is the one who ends up in her ear, along with Nate. 

There’s no issues with entering the venue where the artifact is currently being held, and it’s relatively easy for Ava to introduce herself as a rarities collector. Nate feeds her information about the most rambunctious things she supposedly hosts in her own private collection when Ava is asked about it, and after a bit more idle chit-chat, she has made it into the small circle of trusted ‘friends’ the owner allows to accompany him to the back room, where the artifact she’s there to retrieve is sitting heavily guarded. 

Except it’s not there and the whole thing is basically a set-up. 

Mercenaries surround them the second they enter the room, guns pointed in clear threat. They’re all asked to wire large sums of cash to the man’s private account - all but Ava, that is. Turns out all her ramblings about owning rare items have caught his attention and he demands she take them to whichever place they’re being held at. Ava stays quiet as she listens to Zari and Nate frantically arguing about the best course of action, and the man ends up taking her silence as a sign of defiance. She’s practically hauled into the basement and the chatter in her ear suddenly cuts off, and Ava curses under her breath at her misfortune.

She’s outmatched four to one, but Ava chooses to try her luck at those odds.

The first man that approaches her with a pair of zip ties goes down with a swift punch to the gut, and the second one barely has to figure out what’s happening before her fist connects heavily with his nose. The third and the fourth immediately advance on her, and those are the ones she finds herself having the most trouble with. They’re clearly seasoned mercenaries, well versed in hand-to-hand combat, and Ava has to work twice as hard to manage to disarm one of them of the hunting knife he pulls out of his belt. By the time she’s got him on the floor, after smashing a chair on his face, her dress has definitely seen better days. 

And that’s when Ava realises she made a grave mistake - she had taken her eyes off the forth and last man. 

He bulldozes her straight into the wall and knocks the breath out of her lungs with the impact, and uses the fact she’s pretty winded for a few seconds to wrap his hand around her neck and squeeze. She kicks against him the best she can, but with no avail. Her hits are weak, her vision is slowly going black at the corners, and just as she thinks this is it, the door to the basement slams open and a knife comes flying in and lodges itself perfectly into the man’s neck. 

Ava coughs and splutters trying to get the air back into her lungs, and when she finally looks over, Sara is slowly making her way towards her. She’s dressed in her Canary outfit, and Ava almost feels the need to pinch herself to make sure she’s not seeing things, if it wasn’t for the thunderous expression on Sara’s face. 

“I warned you this wasn’t a solo mission,” Sara begins, anger well evident in her voice, even if the worry in her eyes betrays the reason why, “I warned you and  _ yet  _ you still insisted on going alone. What would have happened if I hadn't arrived in time?”

“I knew you would come,” Ava finds herself blurting out and Sara narrows her eyes at her.

“Was this your plan all along, then? Throwing yourself into danger just to get me out in the field again?” she sneers out and Ava quickly shakes her head. “Then why, Ava?”

“I needed this, okay?! I needed this and admit it, Sara, so did you.” When Sara simply furrows her brows in confusion, she continues. “This,” she faintly gestures to her surroundings, “is normal for us. Being out here, kicking bad guys and saving the day - it’s what we do for a living. And yes, coming alone was risky but I needed some semblance of normality after the last two weeks.”

She watches as Sara seemingly deflates on herself, shoulders dropping. She averts her gaze and her next words come out nearly whispered. “I had no idea you felt that way.”

Ava catches the hidden meaning behind those words and immediately closes the small distance between them to cradle Sara’s face gently in her hands. “Hey, no babe, that’s not what I meant at all,” she begins softly, waiting until Sara’s gaze meets hers before continuing. “I just don’t want you to be afraid of yourself anymore. Yes, you lost control before but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again-”

Sara interrupts her. “That’s the thing, Ava - this has happened before and I naively thought I had it well under control then, but as you can see I was clearly wrong. I can’t risk it by being out there on the field and ending up becoming a liability." She pauses, eyes filled with determination as she voices her next words. "I am  _ not _ putting my team in danger over it.”

“Tell me something then,” Ava suddenly says and Sara looks absolutely lost for a second, “the men that were upstairs - how many of them did you kill to get to me?”

She watches Sara's mouth opening and closing a few times, a look of disbelief in her face. "What- how is that relevant?"

"Just answer the question, Sara. Please."

Her brow furrows as she seems to think it over. "Two or three? They had guns pointed at civilians."

"Okay. And the rest?"

"They’re just unconscious." 

The corners of Ava's lips turn upwards on their own accord and soon she's smiling down at Sara, who's now looking at her like she's suddenly gone crazy. "Don't you get it, babe?" She begins, and it's not hard to pinpoint the exact moment that Sara  _ finally  _ realises what she's getting at. Her expression shifts from confusion to something else, something much lighter, and her eyes widen considerably. Her lips part in a wordless 'oh' and Ava wastes absolutely no time in leaning down to kiss her. 

******

Ava and Sara return to the ship not long after, and the second they step into the bridge, the Legends come all bounding in towards them. They let out cheers and praise words at ‘Captain and Ms Captain’ for the absolute display of ‘badassery’, and Ava beams at Sara, who’s all smiles and jokes. She watches her playfully ruffling Nate’s hair and sharing a quiet high-five with Mick, and for a moment frozen in time, it feels like nothing has ever happened. But the illusion is quick to be shattered. 

“So does this mean our captain will be back in the field from now on?” Ray asks, eyes brimming with hope. 

The entire room grows quiet the second his words are out in the open, like everyone is collectively holding their breaths. All eyes are on Sara now, including Ava’s - and it’s not difficult to notice the immediate shift in her girlfriend’s entire demeanor. Her shoulders raise, her entire posture becomes stiff, and her lips draw in a thin line. The grip she’s got on her bo staff tightens in such a way her knuckles turn white, and Ava knows exactly what Sara’s going to say before she even says it. 

“This was a one time thing,” she starts, her voice flat, “I’ll still be mainly running the missions from here.”

Sara doesn’t wait for anyone to voice themselves afterwards, simply nodding and walking out of the room, presumably to change. Ava watches her go, unable to follow, feeling like all her words and actions earlier in the basement have been for naught. She tries to scold her expression into something akin to neutral as everyone’s eyes eventually turn to her, and Ava simply claps her hands together.

“Celebratory drinks, anyone? I know we didn’t  _ actually  _ get the relic back but we did put an international smuggler behind bars. I would say that counts as a win.”

The atmosphere shifts as everyone agrees, no doubt more than happy to have an excuse to break into the good stuff - Ava  _ really hopes  _ they know by now Sara’s whiskey is off limits though, after the fiasco last month where  _ someone _ had almost gotten themselves thrown out into the temporal zone by a really angry, drink deprived Sara Lance. 

Ava stands there watching as the Legends begin to filter towards the galley, and her face falls once she thinks she’s alone.

There’s no telling what’s going through Sara’s mind at that point, and part of her wants to check on her girlfriend, while another thinks it’s best to give her space. It’s a mental push and pull, one that seems like it won’t reach a resolution anytime soon, and Ava begins chewing on her bottom lip thoughtfully, arms now stubbornly crossed above her chest. She’s so deep into her own mind that she fails to notice there’s someone else still on the bridge with her, that is until a hand touches her arm and Ava nearly jumps out of her own skin. 

Her eyes land on Nora, who seems to be just as startled as she is. “I’m sorry,” she quickly says, “I didn’t hear you.”

“I noticed,” Nora chuckles, good-naturedly. “I saw you weren’t following so I lingered back, in case you needed to talk.” Her eyes flicker to where Sara had disappeared to, before they meet Ava’s again. “I’m guessing this is about what Sara said.”

Ava lets out a breath through her nose. “Yeah, yeah it is. I thought we had made some progress, you know? That perhaps Sara had finally decided to put what happened behind her for good.” Her gaze subconsciously falls on the hall, like she’s expecting Sara to show up at any second now. “But I guess I was wrong then.”

“Don’t worry, Sara’s stronger than all of us. She will come around eventually.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Not much is said between them afterwards, and Nora ends up squeezing Ava’s forearm in reassurance and walks out of the bridge, leaving Ava alone with her thoughts. 

******

She’s sitting in bed, freshly showered and clothed, watching Sara pack up a few things to take with her for the weekend. They haven’t said much to one another ever since the basement, but it’s not difficult to tell that Sara is still very much brooding over the question Ray had thrown her way earlier, and Ava really wishes she would just talk to her about it, instead of just standing there stuffing clothes into a rucksack like they had personally offended her. A sigh escapes her every so often, and it’s not until Sara halts her movements and pinches the bridge of her nose that Ava finds it in herself to say something.

“Are you okay, babe?” she cautiously asks, keeping her tone as neutral as possible.

Sara glances at her then, and it’s like she’s only now noticing Ava is in the room with her. She gives a noncommittal shrug, once the surprise has worn off, and carelessly throws another shirt into her bag, eyes focused on nothing in particular. “I’m fine.”

Ava tries her best not to be hurt by both the reaction and the response she gets, but it still stings. “‘Kay,” she simply says, “I’m here if you want to talk.”

There must have been some indication, either in her voice tone or in her body language, that betrays the way she tries to remain perfectly neutral without showing how she’s really feeling, because next thing she knows Sara is halting her movements once again and her face falls once her gaze lands on Ava. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know you didn’t.” Ava flashes her a small smile, even if she knows it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “It’s alright.”

“It’s not, Ava- it’s really not.” She moves from where she’s been standing by the side of the bed to be right in front of where Ava’s sitting and kneels down to be more at eye level with her. “I shouldn’t be acting like this when you’ve done nothing but help me. It’s not very fair of me and I’m truly sorry.” Sara reaches for her hand and squeezes it. “And it’s not that I don’t believe you - because I really do - but this thing, this bloodlust? It’s part of me, whether I like it or not, and it won’t just disappear overnight.”

Ava squeezes her hand back and blinks away the sudden moisture gathering in her eyes. “I know it won’t, Sara, but you can’t just live your life in fear of what may or may not happen.” Her free hand moves to rest against Sara’s cheek, her thumb rubbing at the skin there in soft motions. “You did so well today, babe.”

Sara averts her eyes for a moment, and lets a breath through her nose. “And what about tomorrow? What if I’m not able to control myself out there with the team? What happens then?”

“We fight it. Together.”

She shakes her head. “No, Ava, this is my issue. I don’t want you getting involved and-”

“I’m already involved. And it’s not your issue - it’s ours.” She pauses to gently wipe away a stray tear that escapes Sara’s eye. “We’re a team; we’re in this together. Don’t forget that.”

There’s an adoring expression in Sara’s eyes by the time Ava finishes her little speech, and before she knows what’s happening, Sara is surging forward and kissing her with all she’s got. Ava eagerly returns the sentiment, pouring all her devotion for this incredible woman into it, and when Sara breaks the kiss, her hand moves to rest against Ava’s cheek. “God,” she begins, sounding nearly breathless, “I love you so much.”

Ava smiles at her, the corners of her eyes crinkling at the action. “I love you too,” she replies back easily and when Sara shifts so she can sit on Ava’s lap to properly kiss her, she knows they’ll be alright. 


End file.
